Round and Round

Negative energy affects people in many different ways. Many people lash out while others turn it inward and let it fester. I am not sure which one is better. I am going to try to defuse the negative energy I have now. I am angry and sad. My first reaction was to take it out on someone but in an attempt to prevent this, I talked a little about it and cried.

I know that I have been feeling negatively since I do not feel in control of anything. I feel like my voice isn't being heard. Sometimes when I try to reach out and explain my thoughts and feelings - I end up feeling inadequate or what I said is turned on me. (Because that always helps.) So I end up at square one.

Since I am very sensitive to my surroundings, I tend to get affected very easily. I can not think of any way to turn my cubicle into a area conducive to creative thought and productivity. Although I don't feel negative when I get home, I just feel unmotivated. Sapped.

So here I am. How am I going to turn this frown upside down? Writing this down has helped me to find some relief but I know it won't last. As soon as I get home, I will feel like I am in the way and that my presence just causes the greatest irritation. This makes me sad again. I am not perfect. I can be annoying but I hate, whether its intentional or not, that me just entering a room can make someone fill up with bile. I can hear the flesh crawling and can feel the anger.

This isn't always the situation but it cuts and it hurts. And I hate it.